|No More Heroes|
|1. The Passmores|
‘Uncle’ David ‘Hassellhoff’, the ice cream selling armchair abuser, who believes the Sunday Sun letters page is actually his own column, is a well liked - except by certain sections of the fire/rescue service (another story) - ex-patron of the Carrville Mags.
He's now retired because he can’t afford a season ticket - due to financial responsibility for his 13 year old son's subscription to m u cky t v . He really is a sadly missed collection of catch-phrases who owned more jackets than Imelda Marcos owned shoes, and bought a new jacket for every home game because of the abuse he received for his ‘Hassellhoff’ lookalike attempts. The catch-phrase employed to rebuff the abuse on each of these occasions, ‘predictable’.
‘Uncle’ David is best remembered for making the phrase ‘lets see the lay of the land’ his own on a league cup night at that place near Port Vale when his sense (?) of direction, and knowledge of the area, lead everyone from our mini-bus into a war-zone - complete with a bombardment of bricks, bottles and pottery - the likes of which had not been witnessed since Fred Dibner's retirement. David's comment on events, ‘the weather's a bit inclement’.
The Knightrider wannabe earned his 'Uncle' moniker by being, yes, you’ve probably guessed it, the uncle of ‘bot and belly’ Mark Passmore, better known for having the voice of an angel (on one song) and the body of Buddha.
Mark is also sadly retired - due to his expanding family - but not before he established himself as the head choirboy in the Carrville Mags choir with ‘incredible’ renditions of Gary Puckett's "Young Girl".
Unfortunately the choir all but disbanded (despite Gravy’s worst attempts) when Mark had to stand down, very quickly after an incident at the Travellers Rest watering hole in Crick returning from the ’99 cup final. Mark climbed atop a bar stool (as usual, exhibitionist) to the disbelieving locals and delivered the intro to the aforementioned song with amazing vigour, only to raise his right hand into a ceiling fan at the start of the first line, causing him to spill the pint in his left hand all over himself - and everyone nearby - as he fell ar$e over t!t from the stool.
He received a standing ovation from the lads and locals (never happened after he sang) but his confidence was destroyed.
‘Uncle’ David had already relinquished his black and white rights by this time - so missed his nephew's swan-song. Sad really, but not as sad as your offspring sitting you down and breaking the news that they support the Munich milking cockney glory-hunters!
You’ll both be missed!