Sweet Sixteen? Submitted on 10/12/2005 by ?
Who’s birthday is it this weekend?
Happy Toon fan……….. ……knackered Turtles fan.
On the booze again. Chinned by Craig.
Career Opportunities? Submitted on 23/09/2005 by ?
Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Submitted on 20/09/2005 by Sean
The rain was chucking it down, so when my season ticket dropped through the door, I thought it would brighten my outlook for the season ahead if not the weather. It didn't, I sat watching Sky Sports News, reflecting on the players who'd left and the distinct lack of potential quality signings. I re-assured myself that everything would be ok by the start of the season.

So August 20th arrived, West Ham (relieved at rising oil prices) at home and now I new first home game of the season excitement would come. It didn't, the lack of signings was being masked by the seemingly ridiculous 'Owen story' and the ever less likely capture of Luque which appeared to be 'big money desperation'. This coupled with the sour taste in my stomach from the opening game at the Library and their match winning star player 'Steve Bennett' who arrived on a 'free' and cemented the school of thought that 'professional' referees would improve the game, impressed on me the need to focus.

So focus I did, Footy's back for another season, West Ham are in toon, it's hot and sunny and I'm out for the day with the lads! The crack in the 'Arms' and the Stage Door was good if somewhat negative but not negative enough to prevent a couple of 'daft' bets to the tune of £45 from a few of us who still wanted to believe.

Roi's lad Chrissy had been finally promoted to a season ticket for his birthday after 16 years of occasional attendance, when the chance arose, and his dad didn't nick the spare first. So he arrived at my house at noon ready for the season seeing every game (although the only one he actually talked about was the peg sellers), and his enthusiasm began to lift me a bit and finally brought the excitement up. A few of the lads had stood him a couple of beers and he was the happiest of every one of us in the bar, it was at this point I realised my responsibility to get him to his turnstile in the Leazes because he had never been to the ground alone or sat in the same seat twice, the lad's smart enough to be able to find his own way but when a mate who's followed the mags all over the country with you in the past 28 years leaves his son in your care, it's time to pull out all the stops and look after him!

Then as the snakebite went down it was noted that Sturdy and Dirk sat in the Leazes, 'PROBLEM SOLVED' . Sturdy agreed that it made sense for him to take Chrissy to the Leazes and point him to his turnstile then meet him after the game and show him where the bus leaves from (Dirk was not considered for these tasks because he is German), soooo another pint of snakey and all is well.

Half time arrives after a dismal showing that a 'broon ale bottle filled with petrol couldn't light up' and my mobile rings as soon as I get down to the bar, Sturdy: "see you in Shearers in three minutes" my reply was simple, "give it twenty minutes of the second half" Sturdy's was even more simplistic, "Shearers now"! Suddenly I remembered my responsibility for young Chrissy and the fact that Sturdy had taken the role of 'guardian' until he was back in my care, so I asked "what about the lad", Sturdy assured me he had informed Chrissy he was going to Shearers and that he was going to meet him outside to head back to the coach. I realised my predicament had me on the horns of a three pronged dilemma: 1. return to my seat for the second half? 2. return to my seat for 20 minutes of the second half before meeting Sturdy in Shearers? 3. drink more than is reasonable in a 45 minute period at Shearers thus meeting Sturdy immediately and ensuring I am there when Chrissy arrives? Should I stay or should I go?

My heart ruled my head and back onto the Gallowgate I trudged for a second half unrecognisable as a football match, so ten minutes before time I'd seen enough and carrying the burden of responsibility heavy on my shoulders I made for a sharp exit to Shearers to meet Sturdy and see the final whistle before Chrissy arrived. So when I arrived in Shearers and there was no sign of the 'babysitter' in the usual place where we stand, alarm bells started to ring. After a brief tour of the premises to establish unequivocally his absence, I watched the referee end the 'paint drying' competition in the stadium and headed outside to wait for the lad. Ten minutes passed and no sign of Chrissy so I ring Sturdy, "where's Chrissy"?, Sturdy's reply, "who"?! So I remind Sturdy of the lads birthright and family upbringing and his arrangements when he interrupts to explain he has rang him three times without answer but "not to worry" because he has arranged to meet him outside the barking dog (thank fcuk he didn't tell him inside or an altercation with the i.c.f. would seem like a good night out compared to being pimped off to Russia collecting 'rent' after the chickenhawks in the barking dog 'toilets' had finished with him - see Paul Elliot).

I decide I have no option but to head to the barking dog (in case Sturdy has said meet inside), but instead discover Sturdy outside the chippy en route. I realise that Mr Sturdy has become slightly inebriated and so instruct him to contact Chrissy (a long discussion re: the number of times he has 'tried' to ring him ensues), and lo and behold he connects straight away and Sturdy now tells him to meet across the road from the barking dog which he assures me Chrissy has agreed to. After Sturdy hangs up I decide it's time I have Chrissy's number to contact, given Sturdy's difficulty in basic communication at this point (hats off to Studs for actually getting the lads number as pre-planning for a Shearers exit though).

Five minutes pass and no sign of the 'scarlet fcuking pimpernel meets lord fcuking Lucan, Chrissy, so iring his number: fcuk me 'unable to connect your call……………………..

As I am standing waiting outside the bus a couple of impatient types remind me of the necessity to fulfil my role as bus barman for the day which completely distracts me from my responsibilities. So I get on the coach and start pouring the snakey's for the troops, then I shout for Chrissy to get his and no reply, I look out of the window and we are approaching team valley and I realise that Chrissy isn't drinking snakey because he isn't on the fcuking coach.

I raise the problem to a chorus of zero sympathy for the lads predicament so I ring him to assess the situation. As soon as I connect I establish he isn't outside Shearers, he isn't outside the barking dog, nah Chrissy's in the chippy getting some chips! So I tell him "not to worry, head straight to the train station' so he can get a lift with the i.c.f..

The journey back is filled with discussions about 'character building' and 'adventures' and I realise that this whole situation is my fault, I lament my decision to stay in SJP when I could have been in Shearers getting so pi$$ed that I could shirk my responsibilities and blame everyone but me! I should have gone!

The good news is Chrissy survived his 'character building adventure' without any problems with the i.c.f. (Roi drove through and picked him up)! Sturdy survived the abuse, so Connor can look forward to collecting his dad from Shearers at full time and ensuring his safe passage back to Guf's coach. I survived the guilt and embarrassment I felt, not for Chrissy's predicament but for even considering entrusting my best mates only son into the care of one of 'right said fred', who bought a season ticket for the Leazes end and Shearers.

If I stay there will be trouble……………………………………………………………………………
The True Chrissy Story (2) Submitted on 30/08/2005 by ?
The true Chrissy story Submitted on 27/08/2005 by Studs
With regards to the Johna story about poor Studs leaving Chrissy. As usual Johna speaks before getting the true facts.

Sean asked who was sitting in the Leazes end and I replied that I was. Sean asked me to show young Chrissy to the correct turnstile and show him the way back to the bus, which I said would be no problem. On the way up to the ground I got Chrissy` s phone number and said I would ring him so he would have my number to get in touch with me. He forgot to let me know the important fact that he didn't have any credits on his phone. I then explained to Chrissy that if the game was shit I would be going to Shearers bar at half time and would not be able to meet him outside his turnstile; in the unlikely event that the game would be entertaining I said I would meet him outside Shearers bar after the game. I thought this had covered all eventualities but to be sure I then told him if I could not find him outside Shearers , he should walk down to the Barking Dog pub and failing that he should get the bus on the opposite side of the road outside the Centre of Life.

Now after several pints before and during the game I was in a bit of a merry state but despite this I still remembered to phone Chrissy; but there was no reply. After two more attempts I walked down for the bus and met Sean outside the fish shop. I told Sean I couldn't find Chrissy and explained I'd tried to phone him with no luck. I tried phoning Chrissy one last time and then as far as I was concerned the responsibility was handed back to Sean.

We all then got onto the bus, Mr Smith shouted twice is every body back on the bus and I didn't think to reply as I was no longer looking after Chrissy. It was only when we got to the bridge we realised young Chrissy was missing.

I don't think there is anything wrong with my parental skills and as for maturity take a look at this photo of Johna being very mature!.


What happened to young Chrissy? Submitted on 22/08/2005 by Johna
An excerpt from Johna`s West Ham match report:-

"Anyway onto more important issues..what happened to young Chrissy? Put into the care and guidance of new father Studs, Chrissy was left by himself in Newcastle to fend for himself on the train home with the ICF. Obviously a new responsibility for Studs but Fck me why not dowse him in petrol then offer him a tab surely safer than Studs approach??

Hopefully time will bring greater maturity!!